It's hard to believe that Josiah is already 3 months old. You hear parents say that kind of thing all the time, so it sounds like a broken record, but once you've had a child, you realize just how much wonder is in that kind of statement.
Seriously, the days pass by so quickly, and I no longer long for what comes next. I want to soak up this moment. Life is NOW.
Josiah is so sweet. I find myself telling people he's an easy baby, but when I really look at what people think that means, I realize he's not. Josiah is a challenging baby. He is passionate and knows what he wants. I want to be like him. 3 months old and already an inspiration!
When he cries, he cries hard and loud until I finally determine what he needs (and it's getting easier!). When he eats, he indulges. When he's happy or excited, the smiles not only take over his face, but also his whole body. He squirms and squeals with delight. When was the last time you wiggled with excitement without regard for who saw?
I love this baby so much. I hope that I can encourage him to remain passionate and not stifle himself because he's afraid of what people might think. Josiah came on God's timing, and I know he is meant for great things. He challenges me every day, and for that, I am grateful.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Living the Dream
Lately, when someone asks me how I'm doing, I often tell them "I'm living the dream." For the first time in my life, I don't long to be something more than I am. I LOVE my life. I am a wife and mother, and as I anticipated for all those years, this is exactly what I am supposed to be.
It amazes me how much motherhood changes a woman immediately. Suddenly, I don't think of my own needs as the primary issue in my life. I think that's why I'm so happy. All day, I think of my baby boy and my husband. Their needs are my life, and I love doing everything I can for them.
I have found my balance, because I have become the person my heart always longed to be. To anyone who is reading this post, I hope that you listen to your heart and let God make your dreams happen, no matter how impossible they may seem. He put them there, and He'll bring them to fruition if you surrender your heart to Him. Don't misunderstand; I'm not saying this is easy. Getting to this place in my life was not simple. There were obstacles and heartache that I can't begin to describe, but I kept looking to Jesus. That's the key.
It amazes me how much motherhood changes a woman immediately. Suddenly, I don't think of my own needs as the primary issue in my life. I think that's why I'm so happy. All day, I think of my baby boy and my husband. Their needs are my life, and I love doing everything I can for them.
I have found my balance, because I have become the person my heart always longed to be. To anyone who is reading this post, I hope that you listen to your heart and let God make your dreams happen, no matter how impossible they may seem. He put them there, and He'll bring them to fruition if you surrender your heart to Him. Don't misunderstand; I'm not saying this is easy. Getting to this place in my life was not simple. There were obstacles and heartache that I can't begin to describe, but I kept looking to Jesus. That's the key.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Circus Clowns & Other Oddities
Well, this blog wouldn’t be a true reflection of me if it didn’t suffer from inconsistency. So, in that regard, well done, blog. Well done.
I won’t try to catch you up on everything that’s happened. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know at least some of the recent events in my life, and I’ll likely reflect upon those things in the future. It wouldn’t be like me to reveal everything I’ve thought or felt in the last four or five months, anyway. I try to be an open book when asked, but I’ve never been generous with pieces of me, otherwise.
I do want to note the dreams that I’ve been having. Bizarre is the best word I can come up with to describe them. Let’s just say that if I wrote them down in detail, I’d be the Lady Gaga of fiction. You’d find me strange, entertaining, and at times, a little frightening. Last night, my dreams involved circus clowns, betrayal, and overall emotional adjustment. Let’s just leave it there… I would like to take this moment to thank pregnancy hormones for making my life more interesting.
One major thing that happened to me in the recent past was a challenge given by some loved ones to share more of my true self. So that got me thinking…who would I be sharing? Are we who we will be at birth, or is it more complicated than that? My recent studies in psychology, in particular, have told a story that starts with a foundation given to us at birth and throughout childhood by our parents. This foundation, like any good house, is built upon with various building materials. In this metaphor, each experience and relationship throughout our lives are those building materials.
What I’ve come to realize is that my confusion over what my house looked like didn’t stem from a lack of personality on my part. It had more to do with my years of attempting to distract everyone around me from the truth of who I am. The house of my life could hardly be seen through the haze of yard ornaments I had constructed and clumsily placed. This little shabby chic cottage was unrecognizable past the strange collection of lights and whistles, traffic signs, and Astroturf in the front yard.
Well, this year, I’ve allowed all those things to be stripped away, slowly letting more of me to be known by, not only everyone else, but most importantly myself. It’s been a scary process that I could never fully describe, and the peace of knowing who I really am is truly indescribable. BUT the pain of opening the deepest parts of my heart, allowing my Father in to delicately heal each of my wounds, is a pain I would gladly wish upon each and every one of you. There is always hope of healing and reconciliation if you are willing to allow Jesus Christ to take over every part of you, including those parts you’ve spent years hiding away.
So now, when you look at my little house, you’ll begin to see me. I’m still shy about a lot of who I am, especially when I’m looking inward. However, when I look up at my Builder, the One who not only put me together, but also the One that reminds me daily of who I am, THAT is when you will see me in my truest form. Despite all of my oddities and shortcomings, you will see His light shining throughout all of my walls and out of these little rickety windows. His glory reflected throughout my halls is the most beauty you will ever see in me. So for His sake, for mine and yours, I’m trying to look to Him more and more consistently. Thank You, Jesus, for reminding me who You intended me to be…a delicate, but well constructed house, who welcomes in a few at a time to share a hospitality made of Your fierce love, and who wears Your beautiful creativity on my walls, in my closets, and even on the exterior of my odd frame. May I reflect You more each day.
I won’t try to catch you up on everything that’s happened. If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know at least some of the recent events in my life, and I’ll likely reflect upon those things in the future. It wouldn’t be like me to reveal everything I’ve thought or felt in the last four or five months, anyway. I try to be an open book when asked, but I’ve never been generous with pieces of me, otherwise.
I do want to note the dreams that I’ve been having. Bizarre is the best word I can come up with to describe them. Let’s just say that if I wrote them down in detail, I’d be the Lady Gaga of fiction. You’d find me strange, entertaining, and at times, a little frightening. Last night, my dreams involved circus clowns, betrayal, and overall emotional adjustment. Let’s just leave it there… I would like to take this moment to thank pregnancy hormones for making my life more interesting.
One major thing that happened to me in the recent past was a challenge given by some loved ones to share more of my true self. So that got me thinking…who would I be sharing? Are we who we will be at birth, or is it more complicated than that? My recent studies in psychology, in particular, have told a story that starts with a foundation given to us at birth and throughout childhood by our parents. This foundation, like any good house, is built upon with various building materials. In this metaphor, each experience and relationship throughout our lives are those building materials.
What I’ve come to realize is that my confusion over what my house looked like didn’t stem from a lack of personality on my part. It had more to do with my years of attempting to distract everyone around me from the truth of who I am. The house of my life could hardly be seen through the haze of yard ornaments I had constructed and clumsily placed. This little shabby chic cottage was unrecognizable past the strange collection of lights and whistles, traffic signs, and Astroturf in the front yard.
Well, this year, I’ve allowed all those things to be stripped away, slowly letting more of me to be known by, not only everyone else, but most importantly myself. It’s been a scary process that I could never fully describe, and the peace of knowing who I really am is truly indescribable. BUT the pain of opening the deepest parts of my heart, allowing my Father in to delicately heal each of my wounds, is a pain I would gladly wish upon each and every one of you. There is always hope of healing and reconciliation if you are willing to allow Jesus Christ to take over every part of you, including those parts you’ve spent years hiding away.
So now, when you look at my little house, you’ll begin to see me. I’m still shy about a lot of who I am, especially when I’m looking inward. However, when I look up at my Builder, the One who not only put me together, but also the One that reminds me daily of who I am, THAT is when you will see me in my truest form. Despite all of my oddities and shortcomings, you will see His light shining throughout all of my walls and out of these little rickety windows. His glory reflected throughout my halls is the most beauty you will ever see in me. So for His sake, for mine and yours, I’m trying to look to Him more and more consistently. Thank You, Jesus, for reminding me who You intended me to be…a delicate, but well constructed house, who welcomes in a few at a time to share a hospitality made of Your fierce love, and who wears Your beautiful creativity on my walls, in my closets, and even on the exterior of my odd frame. May I reflect You more each day.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Movement
I'm feeling really emotional right now...in the good way! As I sit here researching for my Human and Family Development class, I'm feeling my baby move in my womb. This experience is a current manifestation of my future. I cannot wait to meet my precious child. I've wanted to be his mother for as long as I can remember. Love for him has been building so much over the years, and I finally feel his life within me.
I'm studying to get my Master of Arts in Counseling Degree, because I want to follow my dreams, so that my son will follow his. Of course, at times, I get scared that I won't be able to pull all of this off, but I won't let that stop me. My dad once told me to live the life I hope my children will, so I'm following the call of the Holy Spirit. I'm trying each day to listen to the LORD, love Him with all that I am, and love the people He puts in my life. That now includes my son. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Tell Me All Your Thoughts on God
I just found this in my saved drafts...I don't know why I never posted it...surely someone out there will understand.
I love 90's rock music. Seriously. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in a warm coffee shop reading, writing, thinking about, discovering things that matter, truly madly deeply...or maybe walking in fields of gold. When I was in 7th grade (in the late 90's), this punk that every girl was "in love" with, told me I liked "depressed college kid music." I was like, "What does that even mean?" I guess I get it now. I'm uber emotional. And I like it. When I feel like I've discovered some deep truth, I just want to save tonight and fight the break of dawn. I mean, I was emotional before it was cool. It started in the 90's and carried on with a vengeance. I was a hardcore romantic as a kid. Artists in the 90's actually spoke to that part of me, what, with their actual talent and poetic lyrics. The flannels, t-shirts, ripped jeans, and long hair didn't hurt either. That low-key grungy look is appealing to this low-maintenance girl. The invitation to come as you are, yeah, that's good stuff.
I love 90's rock music. Seriously. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in a warm coffee shop reading, writing, thinking about, discovering things that matter, truly madly deeply...or maybe walking in fields of gold. When I was in 7th grade (in the late 90's), this punk that every girl was "in love" with, told me I liked "depressed college kid music." I was like, "What does that even mean?" I guess I get it now. I'm uber emotional. And I like it. When I feel like I've discovered some deep truth, I just want to save tonight and fight the break of dawn. I mean, I was emotional before it was cool. It started in the 90's and carried on with a vengeance. I was a hardcore romantic as a kid. Artists in the 90's actually spoke to that part of me, what, with their actual talent and poetic lyrics. The flannels, t-shirts, ripped jeans, and long hair didn't hurt either. That low-key grungy look is appealing to this low-maintenance girl. The invitation to come as you are, yeah, that's good stuff.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Step Out on the Water. Keep Your Eyes on Jesus.
So...it seems that Satan has taken it upon himself to attack me in every way he can in the last few months. As a result, my search for balance went by the wayside. For instance, today Dustin and I were talking about how I don't do things that bring me joy if I have responsibilities to attend to or things to worry about. I have a lot of reasons for behaving that way that are rooted in the past, but that doesn't make it right.
I was so excited about the future, and when it started coming at me faster than I realized, I panicked. I let Satan get a foot-hold through fear...one of his greatest tools in my life. I feared I wouldn't be able to keep up with work, school, and pregnancy (and truth be told, I've had to take some time off of work). I feared we wouldn't have enough money. I feared I wouldn't be a good mom. The point is, I feared.
Once again, I let Satan tell me that being me simply isn't good enough. Why did he have that chance? Why did I listen for so long? Because I took my eyes off of Jesus. Just like Peter, I feared the storm instead of trusting in the One who could calm the wind, the waves, and my heart. Once again, I've learned my lesson. I'm looking back to my LORD who has incredible plans for my life.
I was so excited about the future, and when it started coming at me faster than I realized, I panicked. I let Satan get a foot-hold through fear...one of his greatest tools in my life. I feared I wouldn't be able to keep up with work, school, and pregnancy (and truth be told, I've had to take some time off of work). I feared we wouldn't have enough money. I feared I wouldn't be a good mom. The point is, I feared.
Once again, I let Satan tell me that being me simply isn't good enough. Why did he have that chance? Why did I listen for so long? Because I took my eyes off of Jesus. Just like Peter, I feared the storm instead of trusting in the One who could calm the wind, the waves, and my heart. Once again, I've learned my lesson. I'm looking back to my LORD who has incredible plans for my life.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Overwhelming Joy...
Well, I haven't posted in over a month...I tend to become extremely introverted when major life changes happen. And boy, has my life changed!
I had given my life over completely to God. I told Him I am willing to go wherever and do whatever He wants me to. I took the biggest leap of faith I have taken in years. For the first time in my life, I gave Him my whole heart.
I felt the Spirit calling me to a very special ministry in counseling. In December, I filed my FAFSA and enrolled in classes at CCU. Basically, I followed a dream that would put another one on hold...
The Monday after Christmas, I learned that God's plan for Dustin and I includes the deepest longing of my heart...that one thing I wasn't asking for...that dream I told Him I'd put on hold. The LORD is knitting a precious child in my womb. Glory, hallelujah!
Even as I write this, I am overwhelmed beyond words. We make plans for our lives, but they are nothing in comparison to those of our Heavenly Father.
I had given my life over completely to God. I told Him I am willing to go wherever and do whatever He wants me to. I took the biggest leap of faith I have taken in years. For the first time in my life, I gave Him my whole heart.
I felt the Spirit calling me to a very special ministry in counseling. In December, I filed my FAFSA and enrolled in classes at CCU. Basically, I followed a dream that would put another one on hold...
The Monday after Christmas, I learned that God's plan for Dustin and I includes the deepest longing of my heart...that one thing I wasn't asking for...that dream I told Him I'd put on hold. The LORD is knitting a precious child in my womb. Glory, hallelujah!
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