Christmas Greetings: Reflections of 2011

2011 was a year of changes for us! I would have liked to send out Christmas letters, but I'm proud of myself for just getting the gifts bought and wrapped!

This time last year, we could have never imagined what was to come.  We had a wonderful time at Christmas, but I do remember feeling just a little under the weather.

Christmas 2010

I had just enrolled in grad school with the goal of earning my Masters of Arts in Counseling, I was working as an office manager at IUPUI, and Dustin was working the second-third shift at Fastenal. We didn't see eachother much because of our opposite schedules, but we did what we had to do to make it work!

The Sunday after Christmas, we found out that Matt and Liz Beavers were expecting! I was so excited for them, but my heart ached, because although we didn't plan to have children for several more years, I wanted the same for us. I was pretty nauseous that day, but though I hoped, I doubted it was actually morning sickness. Afterall, we weren't trying; I had just committed to grad school!

The next morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test while Dustin was still sleeping. I figured it would be negative, so I didn't want to wake him up...but two pink lines later, I was yelling for him to come see what I saw! I couldn't believe it. Could we really have a sweet little peanut on the way?! We call Josiah our "God baby", because He came in the LORD's perfect timing.  

The doctor confirmed that I was indeed pregnant a few weeks later, and we were off to tell our families. We gave Paula a mug that says, "Grandma's my name and spoiling's my game" (or something to that effect) when everyone gathered for the Dummel Family January birthday party. The next day, we gave my mom a similar mug and my dad a grandpa's t-shirt. Both families erupted in cheers. There was lots of hugging and tears. Such a happy time!

Between work and morning sickness, my classes were tougher than usual. Fortunately, my boss allowed me to take some time off. I ended the semester with an A and a B-...not the best, but I'll take it!

Dustin earned two promotions at Fastenal during that time. I'm so proud of his work ethic! His second promotion was a supervisor position on the day shift! Praise Jesus!!!

When we realized we'd be bringing a baby into the world, we crunched the numbers and decided it would be best to move out of the city and hopefully become homeowners. The process was somewhat painful, but ended well. After placing offers on two houses in Plainfield, we were so disappointed that neither worked out. However, we found our little gem in Danville, and we couldn't be happier. It is perfect for our little family! Thanks to our friends and family, we were able to get moved in and the entire house painted within the first week! Thank you, Kevin, Daena, Blake, Blair, Bree, Denny, Paula, Devin, Mom, Dad, Lainer, Kalley, Sam, Noel, and Jamie!!! It's been awhile...I hope I didn't miss anyone!

I finished working at IUPUI at the end of the Spring semester after training my replacement, Tamara, who became one of my best friends in the process! The rest of the summer, I spent my time settling into our house (we still have a few packed boxes, haha) and decorating the nursery. I think it turned out pretty well! Besides the furniture and paint, Josiah's room decor only cost about $30...I was a garage sale junkie! I went garage saling up to 39 weeks :) I'm pretty sure people thought I was crazy. Looking back, I can see why...I was huge!

I was so worn out after painting for 8 hours, but the results were worth it!

Pillowy Wall Decor from Garage Sale :)

Woah! I can't believe my stomach was that big! No wonder I was uncomfortable!

On August 30, at 10:52pm, we welcomed Josiah Everett Dummel into the world!

I love those little feet!

I will never forget how I felt when they put him on my chest. Pure bliss! Josiah was 8lb 4oz and only 19in long. We're still a little shocked at how short he was! :)

Because of his elevated temperature and rapid breathing, Josiah was taken away to the NICU almost immediately. It was such a scary time.

Poor baby had an IV :(

We ended up having to stay at Methodist hospital for 5 days, but it felt so much longer! In the end, the problems were unexplained, and left as quickly as they came. Things did not go at all like we hoped, but we brought home a healthy baby boy, and we couldn't ask for anything more!

Since then, we have just been soaking him up and trying to be the best parents we can be. We learn more and more each day. Josiah is incredibly precious. He is very cheery; his chubby cheek smiles are like rays of sunshine on even the gloomiest winter days!

We'd be lying if we said being parents hasn't been a challenge, but it is one we are very grateful for and one that will only make us better. 

This year has not been without its struggles, but it lead us to where are now, and that is a very blessed place! We love our home, being a little family, and living a simple life loving eachother. As we celebrate the birth of our Saviour, we are so thankful for His loving sacrifice for our salvation and His constant provision in our daily lives! We are excited to see where the LORD will lead us in the coming year. 

We hope that you have a blessed Christmas and a very happy 2012!

Love, 

Dustin, Felisha, and Josiah :)     

The Wonder

It's hard to believe that Josiah is already 3 months old. You hear parents say that kind of thing all the time, so it sounds like a broken record, but once you've had a child, you realize just how much wonder is in that kind of statement.

Seriously, the days pass by so quickly, and I no longer long for what comes next. I want to soak up this moment. Life is NOW.

Josiah is so sweet. I find myself telling people he's an easy baby, but when I really look at what people think that means, I realize he's not. Josiah is a challenging baby. He is passionate and knows what he wants. I want to be like him. 3 months old and already an inspiration!

When he cries, he cries hard and loud until I finally determine what he needs (and it's getting easier!). When he eats, he indulges. When he's happy or excited, the smiles not only take over his face, but also his whole body. He squirms and squeals with delight. When was the last time you wiggled with excitement without regard for who saw?

I love this baby so much. I hope that I can encourage him to remain passionate and not stifle himself because he's afraid of what people might think. Josiah came on God's timing, and I know he is meant for great things. He challenges me every day, and for that, I am grateful.

Living the Dream

Lately, when someone asks me how I'm doing, I often tell them "I'm living the dream."  For the first time in my life, I don't long to be something more than I am.  I LOVE my life.  I am a wife and mother, and as I anticipated for all those years, this is exactly what I am supposed to be. 


It amazes me how much motherhood changes a woman immediately.  Suddenly, I don't think of my own needs as the primary issue in my life.  I think that's why I'm so happy.  All day, I think of my baby boy and my husband.  Their needs are my life, and I love doing everything I can for them. 


I have found my balance, because I have become the person my heart always longed to be.  To anyone who is reading this post, I hope that you listen to your heart and let God make your dreams happen, no matter how impossible they may seem.  He put them there, and He'll bring them to fruition if you surrender your heart to Him.  Don't misunderstand; I'm not saying this is easy.  Getting to this place in my life was not simple.  There were obstacles and heartache that I can't begin to describe, but I kept looking to Jesus.  That's the key.

Circus Clowns & Other Oddities

Well, this blog wouldn’t be a true reflection of me if it didn’t suffer from inconsistency.  So, in that regard, well done, blog. Well done.

I won’t try to catch you up on everything that’s happened.  If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know at least some of the recent events in my life, and I’ll likely reflect upon those things in the future.  It wouldn’t be like me to reveal everything I’ve thought or felt in the last four or five months, anyway.  I try to be an open book when asked, but I’ve never been generous with pieces of me, otherwise.  

I do want to note the dreams that I’ve been having.  Bizarre is the best word I can come up with to describe them.  Let’s just say that if I wrote them down in detail, I’d be the Lady Gaga of fiction.  You’d find me strange, entertaining, and at times, a little frightening.  Last night, my dreams involved circus clowns, betrayal, and overall emotional adjustment.  Let’s just leave it there…  I would like to take this moment to thank pregnancy hormones for making my life more interesting.

One major thing that happened to me in the recent past was a challenge given by some loved ones to share more of my true self.  So that got me thinking…who would I be sharing?  Are we who we will be at birth, or is it more complicated than that?  My recent studies in psychology, in particular, have told a story that starts with a foundation given to us at birth and throughout childhood by our parents.  This foundation, like any good house, is built upon with various building materials.  In this metaphor, each experience and relationship throughout our lives are those building materials.  

What I’ve come to realize is that my confusion over what my house looked like didn’t stem from a lack of personality on my part.  It had more to do with my years of attempting to distract everyone around me from the truth of who I am.  The house of my life could hardly be seen through the haze of yard ornaments I had constructed and clumsily placed.  This little shabby chic cottage was unrecognizable past the strange collection of lights and whistles, traffic signs, and Astroturf in the front yard.

Well, this year, I’ve allowed all those things to be stripped away, slowly letting more of me to be known by, not only everyone else, but most importantly myself.  It’s been a scary process that I could never fully describe, and the peace of knowing who I really am is truly indescribable.  BUT the pain of opening the deepest parts of my heart, allowing my Father in to delicately heal each of my wounds, is a pain I would gladly wish upon each and every one of you.  There is always hope of healing and reconciliation if you are willing to allow Jesus Christ to take over every part of you, including those parts you’ve spent years hiding away.

So now, when you look at my little house, you’ll begin to see me.  I’m still shy about a lot of who I am, especially when I’m looking inward.  However, when I look up at my Builder, the One who not only put me together, but also the One that reminds me daily of who I am, THAT is when you will see me in my truest form.  Despite all of my oddities and shortcomings, you will see His light shining throughout all of my walls and out of these little rickety windows.  His glory reflected throughout my halls is the most beauty you will ever see in me.  So for His sake, for mine and yours, I’m trying to look to Him more and more consistently.  Thank You, Jesus, for reminding me who You intended me to be…a delicate, but well constructed house, who welcomes in a few at a time to share a hospitality made of Your fierce love, and who wears Your beautiful creativity on my walls, in my closets, and even on the exterior of my odd frame.  May I reflect You more each day.

Movement

I'm feeling really emotional right now...in the good way!  As I sit here researching for my Human and Family Development class, I'm feeling my baby move in my womb.  This experience is a current manifestation of my future.  I cannot wait to meet my precious child.  I've wanted to be his mother for as long as I can remember.  Love for him has been building so much over the years, and I finally feel his life within me. 

I'm studying to get my Master of Arts in Counseling Degree, because I want to follow my dreams, so that my son will follow his.  Of course, at times, I get scared that I won't be able to pull all of this off, but I won't let that stop me.  My dad once told me to live the life I hope my children will, so I'm following the call of the Holy Spirit.  I'm trying each day to listen to the LORD, love Him with all that I am, and love the people He puts in my life.  That now includes my son.  Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

Step Out on the Water. Keep Your Eyes on Jesus.

So...it seems that Satan has taken it upon himself to attack me in every way he can in the last few months.  As a result, my search for balance went by the wayside.  For instance, today Dustin and I were talking about how I don't do things that bring me joy if I have responsibilities to attend to or things to worry about.  I have a lot of reasons for behaving that way that are rooted in the past, but that doesn't make it right. 

I was so excited about the future, and when it started coming at me faster than I realized, I panicked.  I let Satan get a foot-hold through fear...one of his greatest tools in my life.  I feared I wouldn't be able to keep up with work, school, and pregnancy (and truth be told, I've had to take some time off of work).  I feared we wouldn't have enough money.  I feared I wouldn't be a good mom.  The point is, I feared. 

Once again, I let Satan tell me that being me simply isn't good enough.  Why did he have that chance?  Why did I listen for so long?  Because I took my eyes off of Jesus.  Just like Peter, I feared the storm instead of trusting in the One who could calm the wind, the waves, and my heart.  Once again, I've learned my lesson.  I'm looking back to my LORD who has incredible plans for my life.

Krispy Kremes

I'm convinced that Christians will clap and cheer for anything if said by the right person. 


For instance, I watched a YouTube video of Louie Giglio the other night that was completely ridiculous.  Now don't get me wrong; I think Louie Giglio is an incredible speaker.  After all, I did look him up on YouTube.  What was so comical about this particular video was the topic:  Krispy Kreme Donuts.  People were hootin' and hollerin' like Krispy Kremes are the absolute meaning for their entire existence.

Why does this happen?  Why have I been counted among the number of people who have cheered for something so silly?  I think it's because we have such a deep need to belong.  We need to be counted among a larger number for a larger purpose.


The portion of Louie Giglio's message that I listened to was approximately 10 minutes long, and about 85% of it was spent talking about all the facts about Krispy Kreme.  He ended this schpeel by eating a donut, and the crowd really roared!  His illustration pointed to our need to experience Jesus, not just be able to spew details about Him.  Like the donut, the point is not to just know a lot about Jesus, but to experience Him.


That's a great point...but it seemed to be lost on the crowd.  For 8.5 minutes, they cheered about donuts, but when the final point was made, when our need for a relationship with Jesus was noted, the crowd was silent!


I know this is an illustration of the majority of my time "following Jesus".  I haven't always known what it really means to experience Him, to make Him LORD of my life, to trust Him completely.  That seems to be the case with a lot of other Christians, too.  It's the reason we can cheer about nothing, but find ourselves silent and questioning when presented with Jesus. 


I'm trying to get to know Him better, and I truly do find myself cheering for Him and caring less and less about the things of this world.  The more I read about Him and talk to Him, the more and more I fall in love with Him.  The more I share in fellowship with other people who are passionate about the LORD, sharing my experiences and sharing in their's, the more I want to jump up and down and shout His name to the world!

Ick.

Sometimes my life makes me sick.  Somedays it's so ordinary and self-indulgent.  When it's all about me and I realize it, I feel like screaming.  Why do I get so caught up in what I think, what I believe, what I'm doing?  I start out truly seeking Christ, but before I know it, my faith has turned into something I'm proud of...like I created it or something. 

Today, I'm grateful to all the people who are living out their faith with reckless abandon.  Reading about their journeys is a reminder to stop thinking about myself and look at the world around me.  There are people crying, starving, freezing, killing, dying, abusing and being abused, hurting themselves and their families, and me...I'm safe, warm, and happy, thinking this life is all about me. 

And above and beyond all that, there is a Mighty God on the throne who deserves my constant praise.  It's time to again find the balance.  More of Jesus.  Less of me.

Perspective

Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a book, I'll stop and ask myself, "What's the point?"  For whatever reason, I've lost my focus, and forget how the current section fits into the overall purpose of the chapter, and ultimately, the entire book.

Life's like that at times.  Some days, I find myself in the middle of a situtation asking myself, "What's the point?"  Some situations don't make sense when I lose my perspective.  When I forget that my life is but a page - in the book of this era - in God's volumes of history - it's easy to get frustrated and lose my drive for life.

Just like reading a book, when I lose perspective in life, it helps to stop, remind myself of the overarching purpose of this life, and start anew.

Here's My Heart

I have a message today.  It's real.  It's honest.  It's raw.

Recently, I was chatting with friends from church when someone mentioned a friend's "happy movie," meaning the movie that person watches when he wants to feel good inside.  I soon piped up with my "happy movie," which is Juno.  To this, one of the guys replied with something to the effect of, "Why?  Because your glad it's not YOUR life?"  It was a pretty funny reply, and I can totally understand why he, or maybe anyone, would not understand how a movie about teen pregnancy and divorce could ever evoke feelings of joy.  For me, it's about what is REAL. 

To that I will add that one of my favorite songs out right now is by Rihanna and Eminem.  Maybe you've heard it.  It's called "Love the Way You Lie."  Again, how could a person enjoy a song about abuse?  I'll tell you.  It's about what is REAL.

What is this obsession with reality?  Why is it that I love that which is full of sorrow?  Let me tell you a little about my life.

I was born to two people with hearts that are larger than life.  When one of them died, God replaced her with another heart of gold.  I was created to be a person full of emotion, full of love.  This is my gift and my curse.  I long to love people with all that I am.  I love deeply, and I hurt deeply.  I am TOO much for so many people. 

Growing up, I was called dramatic and told that I cry too much.  How can I not cry?  There is such great joy from the LORD and such great sorrow from a broken world.  I wear my heart on my sleeve because I am sensitive to the LORD and His children.  When something is wrong, my heart aches for the injustice.  When something is right, my heart nearly bursts within me with praise for my Father in Heaven. 

But sadly, at a young age, I learned to stifle my heart.  I was too much, so I hid.  I hated myself, and I began to hate being around other people.  When you're not alone, you run the risk of someone discovering the real you, and that was too big a danger for my feeble heart to handle.  I did anything and everything to make people believe that I was perfect, that I had it all together, that there weren't massive emotions waging war within my soul, and why wouldn't I hide?  I saw so many around me acting the exact same way. 

Never share your heart.  Never show people what you're going through.  They won't understand.  You won't be loved.

Beginning in middle school and continuing into adulthood, I pushed down my emotions, my desires, my inmost passions.   I hid them so far within that they were soon lost.  I didn't even know who I was.  To say I was in the midst of an identity crisis would be mild.  I spent so much time camouflaging myself that I didn't know where others' expectations ended and I began.  I did NOT understand the LOVE of my Father, and I absolutely did NOT believe in my worth.  So I did what I could to earn love.

It breaks my heart to look back on all of that, but I know that the LORD uses our lives.  I know that I am a person of great value, because the King of kings chose me.  He wants me to share this message. 

When I read my journal from college, so many pages scream out to God.  And what was I screaming?  I was asking God to give me something REAL.  To make ME real.  I knew that my heart was missing, but I had no idea where to find it.  You want to know that saddest part?  The place I learned to hide the most was in the Church. 

Sad story?  Yes.  Unique?  Absolutely not.

When I reached my lowest point, when I was so sick with stress that I left school to go to the emergency room fearing for my very life, God said "Stop!"  I did not hear God's voice audibly, but I do believe He spoke to my heart.  "Be still, and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10 was more real to me than I could have ever anticipated.  The LORD stopped me in my tracks, and my life has NEVER been the same.  That night, I decided to move back home from college.  I continued my studies, but began living a more calm existence.  I got a job at a hardware store, which allowed me a lot of reading time between customers.  I started reading the Bible for myself.  I read of King David.  Talk about a real life.  A life that would be labeled "dysfunctional" today.  Not a perfect life, but the life of a man who desperately loved God and knew that God loved him.  I learned so much while reading those Old Testament accounts.  I learned what REAL life means.  God was answering my prayers page by page. 

I learned that real life is screwed up.  Real life is messy.  Ugly.  Full of pain.  Full of joy.  Beautiful.  Real life can be made clean by the Savior of the World.  By the Man who loved YOU enough to live this messy life here on Earth.  To die an ugly death.  To take on the pain of the world.  To fill us with joy.  To make us BEAUTIFUL.  That's real life.  WE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT ON OUR OWN.  Only Jesus is perfect, and He says, "I love you.  I love the REAL you.  In fact, I love the real you enough that I'll die for you.  I'll take on all your mistakes.  I'll take on all your pain.  Even when you mess up and turn your back on me, I'll keep on loving you.  Just be honest with Me.  Open your heart, and be vulnerable to Me."  That's my Jesus. 

I don't serve a God of airs and fake confidence.  I serve a God who is REAL.  Who is living.  Who is MIGHTY to SAVE!  And you know what?  God wants us to share our joys and our sorrows.  James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  How can we pray for one another if we don't even KNOW one another?

It breaks my heart that we aren't more vulnerable to one another.  Imagine, if you will, what the Church would look like if we opened our hearts.  Scary, isn't it?  Risky?  For sure.  But so free.  John 8:32 says, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  You want to know the truth?  Jesus is the truth.  The truth is that you are messed up.  I am messed up.  But Jesus frees us from our sins and gives us His life.  From whom, then, should we hide?!

Another story.  This one really breaks my heart and makes my blood boil at the same time.  I was talking to a minister's wife recently, and the topic of hair styles came up.  She and I share the blessing of crazy, curly hair.  But looking at her, you'd hardly know it.  Her hair is always perfectly straightened and never out of place.  We talked about humidity and how it wreaks havoc on curly hair.  We talked about having long flowing curls (both of our hair is currently short), and to this I added my hope that one day, when I'm old, I'll have long, beautiful, GRAY curls.  Call me a crazy hippie, but that's what I want.  To that, she responded, "I can't do that; I'm a minister's wife."  Really?  REALLY?!  I have been in that role, and I understand her completely, but I don't want to fall victim to such an expectation.  Too many women do for fear of their husband's losing their jobs.  This expectation that you will not be yourself.  You will be perfect in the eyes of all, or you will not have food on the table.  Now, understand me.  My husband and I feel called to be in ministry, and we know that that calling is one of great responsibility.  We are to be an example to those we lead.  But this does not mean becoming something we are not.  It means being a person who loves like Jesus, who strives for holiness, AND a person who exemplifies honesty.  We are two people who have sinned greatly and have been greatly forgiven.

And there you have it.  My obsession with what is real.  I don't glory in sin.  I don't praise what is unholy.  BUT I do know that people sin.  I know that unwed girls and women get pregnant.  I know that people abuse and are abused.  I know that people get divorced.  I know that brokeness breeds brokeness.  AND the cycle of brokeness will never end until we open our eyes to what is REAL.  Hiding your sin means prolonging it.  Hiding your pain means it will continue to eat you alive.  And hiding your REAL self means you limit your ability to do everything God created you to do. 

So, please, be REAL.  Although I'm no pro at this, each day I try to be honest with myself and honest with my Creator.  And I want to be honest with you.  I want to share my pain and my joy.  AND...I want to know the REAL you.  I want to know how you've messed up, how you hurt, what you dream of, where your passions lie.  I love your honesty.  Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."  Let us share in each other's life. 

I'll end with a Psalm from David.  As your read it, realize that David's life was open.  It was real, honest, and raw.  God KNEW David.  And He KNOWS you.  No need to hide.  God loves you in spite of all your flaws, and He created you with all your quirks and oddities, and He is strong enough to protect you from those who might judge your honesty.  David was real with God, and what a glorious life and legacy God gave him.  What a glorious life you and I will also have if only we hand our hearts over to the LOVER OF OUR SOULS!

Psalm 30
¹ I will exalt you, O LORD,
       for you lifted me out of the depths
       and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I called to you for help
       and you healed me.
 ³ O LORD, you brought me up from the grave ^[b] ;
       you spared me from going down into the pit.
 ⁴ Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
       praise his holy name.
 ⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
       but his favor lasts a lifetime;
       weeping may remain for a night,
       but rejoicing comes in the morning.
 ⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
       "I will never be shaken."
 ⁷ O LORD, when you favored me,
       you made my mountain ^[c] stand firm;
       but when you hid your face,
       I was dismayed.
 ⁸ To you, O LORD, I called;
       to the Lord I cried for mercy:
 ⁹ "What gain is there in my destruction, ^[d]
       in my going down into the pit?
       Will the dust praise you?
       Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
       O LORD, be my help."
 ¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
 ¹² that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
       O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."