Perspective

Sometimes when I'm in the middle of a book, I'll stop and ask myself, "What's the point?"  For whatever reason, I've lost my focus, and forget how the current section fits into the overall purpose of the chapter, and ultimately, the entire book.

Life's like that at times.  Some days, I find myself in the middle of a situtation asking myself, "What's the point?"  Some situations don't make sense when I lose my perspective.  When I forget that my life is but a page - in the book of this era - in God's volumes of history - it's easy to get frustrated and lose my drive for life.

Just like reading a book, when I lose perspective in life, it helps to stop, remind myself of the overarching purpose of this life, and start anew.

I have the best dad in the world.

I honestly don't know if I have enough words to say.  I can't express how grateful I am to have been born the daughter of Marvin Johnson.

You know, God knows exactly what we're going to need.  He knows what we'll go through, and He equips us.  He provides all the strength, resources, and support necessary for us to find joy and abundant life. 

Despite the hardships I faced as a kid, a teenager, and now, as an adult from the loss of my mother, among all the other trials of this life, my dad demonstrated Christ's love through all of it.  My daddy didn't even know Jesus when I was little.  But he knew how to love with real, unconditional love.  Not because of his own ability, but because he was created in the image of my Holy Father in Heaven.

My dad is an incredible man.  He's one of the smartest, and yet, most humble people I know.  He's compassionate, skilled, and inventive.  His life story is extraordinary.  Ask him.  You'll see. 

My dad taught me so many things.  Integrity.  Justice.  A strong work ethic.  Love.  Honesty.  The fadeaway...okay, so I never quite mastered that, but he definitely took time to show me.

My dad constantly told me I was beautiful when I was growing up.  Despite my crooked teeth, crazy hair and eyebrows, and my awkwardness, he would look me in the eye and tell me how precious I was to him.  I knew he meant it. 

One of the most important things that my dad taught me was what kind of man I should marry.  I don't know that we really talked about it much, but he showed me with his life.  I married an incredible man.  My standards were high, because my daddy treated me like gold.

Thank you, Jesus, for my dad.  He's trying to be just like You.  That makes for one amazing father.

Memories

After sorting through a bunch of my birth mom's possessions on Saturday, I came to the conclusion that memories (no matter how delightful or painful) are valuable.  They make our lives rich and remind us how far we've come. They remind us who we are. 

I've come to a place of healing, where I've let Christ into the deepest parts of me.  Memories that were too painful to behold and that darkly overshadowed the pleasantries of my youth, now provide me with a sort of bittersweet thankfulness.  My biological mother and older brother are gone from my life, but not from my heart.  I miss them, but they are part of me.

Facebook?!

I posted a status yesterday that said, "If you need to get in touch with me, my email address is felishajoyce@gmail.com. I probably won't be checking my Facebook anymore."  The instant response was concern (which is kind), but it wasn't my goal to worry anyone.  I've found that my communication skills aren't always stellar.


I decided to stop checking Facebook, and possibly even delete my page, because of a few personal reasons that I don't mind sharing.  Because I'm seeking to find balance in my life, I've reconsidered deleting my page.  I just need to stop checking it so much.

I'm getting ready to pursue my M.A. in Counseling.  It's going to be a lot of work and take a lot of time.  I believe this is God's call for my life, so I need to prioritize.  I have big dreams, but I've been living a pretty mundane existence.  I've come to realize there are things in my life that I could cut out that would give me more time for the things I really care about.  I want to live a radical life for Jesus, and the hours every week that I spend on Facebook are holding me back.  Now, this is not to say that YOU can't live a radical life for Jesus while using Facebook...it's just that I can't do the things I've been doing if I want to live 100% for Him.

Now, let me be even more transparent...Facebook enables me not to be in relationships.  Let me explain.  For the majority of my life, I was a very cautious person who was afraid of relationships.  I lived by fear, rather than by faith.  I know that I was created for relationship, which is one of the reasons Facebook and other forms of social media are so appealing.  I long for social interaction!  What I've found, however, is that Facebook allows me to keep up with the events of people's lives without actually having to invest.  Rather than calling or meeting up with someone to find out how he/she is doing, I can simply Facebook "stalk".  It finally hit me that I don't really deserve to know what's going on with someone if I'm not willing to give of my time.  In a way, for me, it's more like catching up on gossip than actually getting to know the people I care about.  If I spent half the time I use for Facebook with other people, my friendships would deepen.  I want REAL friends.  I want to LOVE people, not just watch them live their lives.

Facebook also enables me to continue living a boring, ordinary life, all the while longing for more.  When I was a kid, I would often watch other kids having fun, but was too afraid or too cautious to join in.  Unfortunately, not much changed over the years.  I find myself reading other people's pages, looking at their pictures, and thinking to myself, "That's awesome!  I wish my life was that interesting.  I wish I was living that adventerously for Christ!"  So the other day, a thought hit me..."Get off Facebook and LIVE!" 

Matthew 5:29 says, "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away..."  In my life today, this translates as, "If your Facebook holds you back from God's plan for your life, stop checking it!"

I know this might seem weird, but I'm very convicted about it.  I don't think Facebook is sinful; I actually think it's a wonderful way to keep in touch with people you care about.  BUT just like anything else in life, too much of a good thing can be bad...

One Happy Health Nut

Hi friends!

I just wanted to give you some encouragement! 

Today, I feel terrible.  That is NOT the encouragement, though haha.  The reason I tell you this is to point out that I am in a wonderful mood despite this virus that makes my head and lungs hurt - glory to God!  I'm learning a lot about what it means to give the control of my life over to God...every bit of the control.  This is quite a journey, and I know I'll never get it all right, but each day, I learn a little more. 

Anyone who spends any amount of time with me will learn that I am a "health nut" and a "germaphobe."  Giving the control of my body and health over to God is not something I ever wanted to do.  What if it means He will let me get cancer, lupus, or some other terrible disease?  What if it means I get all the sicknesses I fight daily to avoid?  What if I never regain my health?  So often, I live my life by the "what ifs?" rather than letting God take care of me.  Maybe I should be asking myself "What if all my efforts are futile?"...Because they are!  When I hold onto the control of this and any other issue, I limit God.  I don't allow Him to give me the stunning health that He can so easily provide.

So this week, I broke down.  I gave up the control.  Each day, I ask Him to provide me the strength I need that day.  My week does not look like it would have had I been in control.  BUT my world has not fallen apart (the fear that drives my control).  My house is messy and our meals haven't been something to write home about, but we still have a warm place to sleep, our stomachs are full, and I'm happy.  Praise the LORD!  He knows what I need - I don't!  Thank You, Jesus, for always providing.

I hope you have a wonderful week and that you allow God to provide the glorious life that He has for you!

Much love,
Felisha

30 Pounds: Just the Beginning

It's been 14 months since we made our move from Ohio to Indiana.  A lot has happened, and we continue to learn daily.  There have definitely been hardships, but this month, I have something exciting to celebrate!  I've reached a very important goal.  I've finally dropped all the weight I put on over the first two years of our marriage!  I weigh the same amount today that I did on my wedding day!

Despite the fact that I put on about 30 pounds, that whole time, I'd been conscious of my diet.  I was constantly counting calories, restricting my diet, and stressing myself out!  The more I worried about the weight, the more I packed it on. 

Last summer, however, I began to study natural health.  I learned a lot about what my body actually needs, and all the things I was putting in it that were NOT good for me.  I've always fit into the "Foodie" category, because I love REAL food, but my diet was not all-natural.  Eating conventionally grown foods, I was putting so many chemicals in my body without knowing or caring about the consequences. 

There were many things that lead to my discovery of and love for natural health and healing.  Factors involved definitely include my mother's continually growing interest and knowledge of whole foods, a discussion I had with a dear friend one weekend in Tennessee, and my having way more ailments than the average 20-something adult.  I'm grateful for all the things God put in my path to lead me to understand what He intended for our bodies (even the achy joints!).

I've studied what our bodies were created for, and it doesn't match the lifestyle of today's world.  Our intake of chemicals, our general lack of rest, and our ever-increasing stress levels are destroying our health, and they are NOT helping us become the people God created us to be.  Some of the things that I have gradually changed to remedy this in my own life include

• Cutting out processed foods
• Buying local food
• Switching to organics
• Watching less television
• Going to bed at decent hours
• Exercising more
• Reading more
• Dealing with problems instead of holding them inside
• Learning to actually trust God (which has involved some excellent Christian counseling)
• And generally living a more simple life! 

Dustin and I don't have fancy things, but we eat good food, we live below our means, and we are calm and content.  Our lives, now, are simple. 

So I've concluded that the 30 pounds, although wonderful, are only a microcosm of an overall change in my life. 

If you want to learn more about natural health and taking care of your body the way God intended, I'd suggest the book, The Great Physician's Rx for Health and Wellness, by Jordan Rubin.  It's a great place to start.

>>>Thank You, LORD, for helping me to see what You want for me.  Please continue to mold me into the woman You created me to be<<<

Here's My Heart

I have a message today.  It's real.  It's honest.  It's raw.

Recently, I was chatting with friends from church when someone mentioned a friend's "happy movie," meaning the movie that person watches when he wants to feel good inside.  I soon piped up with my "happy movie," which is Juno.  To this, one of the guys replied with something to the effect of, "Why?  Because your glad it's not YOUR life?"  It was a pretty funny reply, and I can totally understand why he, or maybe anyone, would not understand how a movie about teen pregnancy and divorce could ever evoke feelings of joy.  For me, it's about what is REAL. 

To that I will add that one of my favorite songs out right now is by Rihanna and Eminem.  Maybe you've heard it.  It's called "Love the Way You Lie."  Again, how could a person enjoy a song about abuse?  I'll tell you.  It's about what is REAL.

What is this obsession with reality?  Why is it that I love that which is full of sorrow?  Let me tell you a little about my life.

I was born to two people with hearts that are larger than life.  When one of them died, God replaced her with another heart of gold.  I was created to be a person full of emotion, full of love.  This is my gift and my curse.  I long to love people with all that I am.  I love deeply, and I hurt deeply.  I am TOO much for so many people. 

Growing up, I was called dramatic and told that I cry too much.  How can I not cry?  There is such great joy from the LORD and such great sorrow from a broken world.  I wear my heart on my sleeve because I am sensitive to the LORD and His children.  When something is wrong, my heart aches for the injustice.  When something is right, my heart nearly bursts within me with praise for my Father in Heaven. 

But sadly, at a young age, I learned to stifle my heart.  I was too much, so I hid.  I hated myself, and I began to hate being around other people.  When you're not alone, you run the risk of someone discovering the real you, and that was too big a danger for my feeble heart to handle.  I did anything and everything to make people believe that I was perfect, that I had it all together, that there weren't massive emotions waging war within my soul, and why wouldn't I hide?  I saw so many around me acting the exact same way. 

Never share your heart.  Never show people what you're going through.  They won't understand.  You won't be loved.

Beginning in middle school and continuing into adulthood, I pushed down my emotions, my desires, my inmost passions.   I hid them so far within that they were soon lost.  I didn't even know who I was.  To say I was in the midst of an identity crisis would be mild.  I spent so much time camouflaging myself that I didn't know where others' expectations ended and I began.  I did NOT understand the LOVE of my Father, and I absolutely did NOT believe in my worth.  So I did what I could to earn love.

It breaks my heart to look back on all of that, but I know that the LORD uses our lives.  I know that I am a person of great value, because the King of kings chose me.  He wants me to share this message. 

When I read my journal from college, so many pages scream out to God.  And what was I screaming?  I was asking God to give me something REAL.  To make ME real.  I knew that my heart was missing, but I had no idea where to find it.  You want to know that saddest part?  The place I learned to hide the most was in the Church. 

Sad story?  Yes.  Unique?  Absolutely not.

When I reached my lowest point, when I was so sick with stress that I left school to go to the emergency room fearing for my very life, God said "Stop!"  I did not hear God's voice audibly, but I do believe He spoke to my heart.  "Be still, and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10 was more real to me than I could have ever anticipated.  The LORD stopped me in my tracks, and my life has NEVER been the same.  That night, I decided to move back home from college.  I continued my studies, but began living a more calm existence.  I got a job at a hardware store, which allowed me a lot of reading time between customers.  I started reading the Bible for myself.  I read of King David.  Talk about a real life.  A life that would be labeled "dysfunctional" today.  Not a perfect life, but the life of a man who desperately loved God and knew that God loved him.  I learned so much while reading those Old Testament accounts.  I learned what REAL life means.  God was answering my prayers page by page. 

I learned that real life is screwed up.  Real life is messy.  Ugly.  Full of pain.  Full of joy.  Beautiful.  Real life can be made clean by the Savior of the World.  By the Man who loved YOU enough to live this messy life here on Earth.  To die an ugly death.  To take on the pain of the world.  To fill us with joy.  To make us BEAUTIFUL.  That's real life.  WE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT ON OUR OWN.  Only Jesus is perfect, and He says, "I love you.  I love the REAL you.  In fact, I love the real you enough that I'll die for you.  I'll take on all your mistakes.  I'll take on all your pain.  Even when you mess up and turn your back on me, I'll keep on loving you.  Just be honest with Me.  Open your heart, and be vulnerable to Me."  That's my Jesus. 

I don't serve a God of airs and fake confidence.  I serve a God who is REAL.  Who is living.  Who is MIGHTY to SAVE!  And you know what?  God wants us to share our joys and our sorrows.  James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  How can we pray for one another if we don't even KNOW one another?

It breaks my heart that we aren't more vulnerable to one another.  Imagine, if you will, what the Church would look like if we opened our hearts.  Scary, isn't it?  Risky?  For sure.  But so free.  John 8:32 says, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  You want to know the truth?  Jesus is the truth.  The truth is that you are messed up.  I am messed up.  But Jesus frees us from our sins and gives us His life.  From whom, then, should we hide?!

Another story.  This one really breaks my heart and makes my blood boil at the same time.  I was talking to a minister's wife recently, and the topic of hair styles came up.  She and I share the blessing of crazy, curly hair.  But looking at her, you'd hardly know it.  Her hair is always perfectly straightened and never out of place.  We talked about humidity and how it wreaks havoc on curly hair.  We talked about having long flowing curls (both of our hair is currently short), and to this I added my hope that one day, when I'm old, I'll have long, beautiful, GRAY curls.  Call me a crazy hippie, but that's what I want.  To that, she responded, "I can't do that; I'm a minister's wife."  Really?  REALLY?!  I have been in that role, and I understand her completely, but I don't want to fall victim to such an expectation.  Too many women do for fear of their husband's losing their jobs.  This expectation that you will not be yourself.  You will be perfect in the eyes of all, or you will not have food on the table.  Now, understand me.  My husband and I feel called to be in ministry, and we know that that calling is one of great responsibility.  We are to be an example to those we lead.  But this does not mean becoming something we are not.  It means being a person who loves like Jesus, who strives for holiness, AND a person who exemplifies honesty.  We are two people who have sinned greatly and have been greatly forgiven.

And there you have it.  My obsession with what is real.  I don't glory in sin.  I don't praise what is unholy.  BUT I do know that people sin.  I know that unwed girls and women get pregnant.  I know that people abuse and are abused.  I know that people get divorced.  I know that brokeness breeds brokeness.  AND the cycle of brokeness will never end until we open our eyes to what is REAL.  Hiding your sin means prolonging it.  Hiding your pain means it will continue to eat you alive.  And hiding your REAL self means you limit your ability to do everything God created you to do. 

So, please, be REAL.  Although I'm no pro at this, each day I try to be honest with myself and honest with my Creator.  And I want to be honest with you.  I want to share my pain and my joy.  AND...I want to know the REAL you.  I want to know how you've messed up, how you hurt, what you dream of, where your passions lie.  I love your honesty.  Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."  Let us share in each other's life. 

I'll end with a Psalm from David.  As your read it, realize that David's life was open.  It was real, honest, and raw.  God KNEW David.  And He KNOWS you.  No need to hide.  God loves you in spite of all your flaws, and He created you with all your quirks and oddities, and He is strong enough to protect you from those who might judge your honesty.  David was real with God, and what a glorious life and legacy God gave him.  What a glorious life you and I will also have if only we hand our hearts over to the LOVER OF OUR SOULS!

Psalm 30
¹ I will exalt you, O LORD,
       for you lifted me out of the depths
       and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
 ² O LORD my God, I called to you for help
       and you healed me.
 ³ O LORD, you brought me up from the grave ^[b] ;
       you spared me from going down into the pit.
 ⁴ Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
       praise his holy name.
 ⁵ For his anger lasts only a moment,
       but his favor lasts a lifetime;
       weeping may remain for a night,
       but rejoicing comes in the morning.
 ⁶ When I felt secure, I said,
       "I will never be shaken."
 ⁷ O LORD, when you favored me,
       you made my mountain ^[c] stand firm;
       but when you hid your face,
       I was dismayed.
 ⁸ To you, O LORD, I called;
       to the Lord I cried for mercy:
 ⁹ "What gain is there in my destruction, ^[d]
       in my going down into the pit?
       Will the dust praise you?
       Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
 ¹⁰ Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
       O LORD, be my help."
 ¹¹ You turned my wailing into dancing;
       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
 ¹² that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
       O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever."