Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Circus Clowns & Other Oddities

Well, this blog wouldn’t be a true reflection of me if it didn’t suffer from inconsistency.  So, in that regard, well done, blog. Well done.

I won’t try to catch you up on everything that’s happened.  If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you know at least some of the recent events in my life, and I’ll likely reflect upon those things in the future.  It wouldn’t be like me to reveal everything I’ve thought or felt in the last four or five months, anyway.  I try to be an open book when asked, but I’ve never been generous with pieces of me, otherwise.  

I do want to note the dreams that I’ve been having.  Bizarre is the best word I can come up with to describe them.  Let’s just say that if I wrote them down in detail, I’d be the Lady Gaga of fiction.  You’d find me strange, entertaining, and at times, a little frightening.  Last night, my dreams involved circus clowns, betrayal, and overall emotional adjustment.  Let’s just leave it there…  I would like to take this moment to thank pregnancy hormones for making my life more interesting.

One major thing that happened to me in the recent past was a challenge given by some loved ones to share more of my true self.  So that got me thinking…who would I be sharing?  Are we who we will be at birth, or is it more complicated than that?  My recent studies in psychology, in particular, have told a story that starts with a foundation given to us at birth and throughout childhood by our parents.  This foundation, like any good house, is built upon with various building materials.  In this metaphor, each experience and relationship throughout our lives are those building materials.  

What I’ve come to realize is that my confusion over what my house looked like didn’t stem from a lack of personality on my part.  It had more to do with my years of attempting to distract everyone around me from the truth of who I am.  The house of my life could hardly be seen through the haze of yard ornaments I had constructed and clumsily placed.  This little shabby chic cottage was unrecognizable past the strange collection of lights and whistles, traffic signs, and Astroturf in the front yard.

Well, this year, I’ve allowed all those things to be stripped away, slowly letting more of me to be known by, not only everyone else, but most importantly myself.  It’s been a scary process that I could never fully describe, and the peace of knowing who I really am is truly indescribable.  BUT the pain of opening the deepest parts of my heart, allowing my Father in to delicately heal each of my wounds, is a pain I would gladly wish upon each and every one of you.  There is always hope of healing and reconciliation if you are willing to allow Jesus Christ to take over every part of you, including those parts you’ve spent years hiding away.

So now, when you look at my little house, you’ll begin to see me.  I’m still shy about a lot of who I am, especially when I’m looking inward.  However, when I look up at my Builder, the One who not only put me together, but also the One that reminds me daily of who I am, THAT is when you will see me in my truest form.  Despite all of my oddities and shortcomings, you will see His light shining throughout all of my walls and out of these little rickety windows.  His glory reflected throughout my halls is the most beauty you will ever see in me.  So for His sake, for mine and yours, I’m trying to look to Him more and more consistently.  Thank You, Jesus, for reminding me who You intended me to be…a delicate, but well constructed house, who welcomes in a few at a time to share a hospitality made of Your fierce love, and who wears Your beautiful creativity on my walls, in my closets, and even on the exterior of my odd frame.  May I reflect You more each day.